random

Life doesn't make sense right now. Everything is chaotic.
Whenever I give up on something, it comes right back to me.
I'm trying to go with the flow, I'm trying not to over think things, but seriously it's me I always over analyze shit.
I'm trying to focus on school, but none of that seems to be working out.
I did have a test today which I think I did well on (fingers crossed), at least I didn't sleep through this one.
So tonight at 10 I decided to go for a 2 hour run, the cold wind felt great, and the loud music made me feel better. Something about running and relieving stress, it's amazing how they go hand in hand.
Now I'm tired, still have work to do, but instead I'm going to sit here and listen to Hindi music because I'm a F.O.B. :)

The Game we Play

My life has become a toy
Which I allow you to play with
I am comfortable in your hands
The familiar feeling soothes me
Something we can’t control
Drawn to each other
We fight the urge
I try to resist
I wonder if this is how it was meant to be
If we have become a mindless game
In which the cycle repeats itself over and over again.

The night before

Everything is different this time around.
I've been counting down to this day, but I am not as excited as I thought I would be.
I'm not nervous, I'm no longer eager, Instead I feel this unknown emotion taking over me...I feel determined.
I'm no longer looking for the "college experience" or the endless nights of parties, instead I feel like I have something to prove to myself and my family this time around.
This is completely throwing me off, I thought that when this day finally came I would be the happiest person to leave the tri-cities, don't get me wrong I am happy to leave this place but at the same time there is this bitter feeling as well, a feeling I wasn't expecting at all. Weird.

Looking back, while moving forward.

The past couple of days have lead to a lot of looking back and trying to make sense of everything that has happened this year. In some ways I have grown more this year than I had in the 198 years before it. While it was happening, I hated it, I still do, but everything does happen for a reason, whether you choose to look for that reason is entirely up to you.
This year started off to be an amazing year, I was happier than I had ever been, but of course that came to a halting screech after a series of events. Which is fine, Shit happens, the good comes with the bad blah blah blah. It was funny the first times I went up the stairs of WSU Tri-cities, I remember it vividly, my dad was with me and it was a sunny summer afternoon, I hated it I refused to go in and I refused to go to that school, because I hate change...or at least at the time I thought I did. After a couple of months of going there, I wouldn't say I started "loving" it, but I got used to it, I made some kick ass fiends, that I hope to keep in touch with for the rest of my life. I established some relationships that helped me grow as a person, it was good for me especially because no body at WSU Tri-cities knew me from before, it was a fresh start, a start that gave my self confidence the boost that it needed. All in all the semester wasn't that bad, I kicked ass grade wise. I had 2 part time jobs, which is funny because now that I look back at my life at Western I realize how much I wasted time just goofing off, over here I've learned how to manage my time. You don't have to feel obligated to hang out with someone if your shit isn't done, because people who care about you understand your situation and are still there when you're ready...what a concept right?
Anyway, Wednesday was my last day at work at WSU Tri-cities, and after going to lunch with a friend, I went back to campus and my boss told me to sit down. I freaked out a little inside, thinking what the hell could I have possibly done wrong on my last day, come to find out that the office had decided to give me a suprise going away party. I was so touched, I seriously love everyone I worked with, because they have the perfect balance of maturity and humor. I will miss them. So on my last day as I was walking out of the campus, I couldn't help, but feel this bitter sweet feeling, I'm ACTUALLY going to miss that place, but at the same time I know it's time to get back to my life, and prove to myself that I can achieve all the things that I have achieved here up at Western. In a way this was a test of my strength, independence, and capabilities and it took me a while, but I can honestly say that I passed with flying colors.
I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm Scared, but I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be.
2009 is going to be a good year, It's going to be my year, I can just feel it. :D

Work, school, work...repeat?!

I am tired.
I should be working on my paper which is due on Monday.
I got up at 6:30 and got ready for work. Then I worked from 8-1, had class from 1-4 (with an hour break for lunch), then I went to Victoria's to work some more from 4:30-10:30. I got home around 11, showered ate dinner, and now I am here.
What the hell happened to my life?!
Whenever I am not working I'm doing something school related, and vice versa. I miss having a social life, and I don't enjoy being stuck in this routine because although I'm all down for staying busy I am tired, its as simple as that. I miss sleeping in till like 11 or 12 and not worrying about anything, now I usually wake up 6 or 7 and go to work and worry about money, and how much more money I should be saving up for school.
Okay, I needed to rant about that for just a while, now I feel better.
Oh and during my break I went to go buy a drink, because smiling at people and asking them how you can help them makes you really fuckin thirsty. So I'm walking back to work, minding my own fucking business, and out of no where these three guys start walking right next to me, stare at me like I some piece of meat (this has now happened two days in a row and I am fucking irritated and the next person who does this is gonna have my high heels stuck up their ass) and one of the says, "Damn Girl, what you got there?" I felt like spilling my coke on his head and walking away, but he wasn't even worth the dollar that I spend on that. So instead I gave him the glare of death (yes, I have one of those) and told him to go fuck himself. Men are scum.
Now I'm gonna go work on my paper.

mental filing cabinet

I am too tired to finish writing my paper that is due tomorrow, yet I am sitting here writing a blog entry...there seems to be something wrong with this picture, but oh well who the fuck cares.
I haven't written for a while, and I figured even though I don't know what the hell to think of about whats going on in my life, things will some how make more sense once I write them down.
I got off of work about two hours ago, girls who I work with live off of drama, needless to say I don't get along with most of them because I refuse to gossip about the targeted girls they don't like, heck I've probably become one of them but I'd rather have the target on my back than talk crap about people I barely know. I don't know why I like this job, I feel like I enjoy selling things to people. It's one of the talents I never realized I had, and even though some of the girls are bitchy, and I get hit on be sleezy guys, and I may be developing arthritis in my fingers from folding an endless array of panties, I like it.
I think I'm actually going to miss the friends I've made here in the past couple of months, dont get me wrong I still want to get the flying fuck out of here as soon as possible, but a little part of me will miss them. I think I may have found a place to live in January, hopefully my application gets approved, and if it doesn't I'll be pissed because I just wasted 45 dollars for processing my application. I am so excited though, I signed up for classes today...next quarter will be killer, 2 labs and 3 lectures, but have I already mentioned I'm excited.
I want January to be here, I want Christmas to come and go, I want this year to be over, because even though this year has had a couple amazing times, and the really horrible times which have allowed me to grow as a person, I am ready to wave good-bye to this year and start over.
I think It's funny how people apologize months after they have done something, I dont understand how people will ignore you for months and then expect you to forgive them. Well that happened to me today, and I forgave the person because I don't want to not like someone, too much negative energy. I want to be happy.
I find myself worrying about things I should definately not give the time of day, I've already devoted too much of my time to you and you don't deserve any more of it. So now I'm going back to being a selfish person, and focusing on me, because I'm more entertaining than you anyway.
That's about it for now I better go do something with that paper since its due tomorrow.

Simple

I’m currently craving the simplicity that life has to offer.
I’m trying not to over complicate things by constantly thinking about them as I often do.
I am a thinker, as you may already know.
I’m trying to be strong,
I’m trying to smile like I do when I’m around you.
Being with you makes me happy,
Being with you makes me sad.
And when I’m with you,
My head resting on your shoulder,
I whisper three simple words into your ears,
It makes me feel euphoric.
Because no matter how fucked up we are
I know you feel the same way.

I’m trying not to get attached this time,
I’m trying to maintain my independent state of mind.
It’s difficult,
But for now it’s perfect.
I’m not ready to move any further,
Because I don’t want to be vulnerable,
I don’t want to be hurt.
I’m still afraid.
For now I just want to rest my head on your chest at night,
With your arms wrapped around me,
Your warm skin touching mine,
And fall asleep knowing that somehow,
We’ll always be there for each other.
Regardless of the roles we’ll play in each others lives,
It’ll always be as simple as that.
I’ll always be there for you,
And know you will do the same for me.