I am tired.
I should be working on my paper which is due on Monday.
I got up at 6:30 and got ready for work. Then I worked from 8-1, had class from 1-4 (with an hour break for lunch), then I went to Victoria's to work some more from 4:30-10:30. I got home around 11, showered ate dinner, and now I am here.
What the hell happened to my life?!
Whenever I am not working I'm doing something school related, and vice versa. I miss having a social life, and I don't enjoy being stuck in this routine because although I'm all down for staying busy I am tired, its as simple as that. I miss sleeping in till like 11 or 12 and not worrying about anything, now I usually wake up 6 or 7 and go to work and worry about money, and how much more money I should be saving up for school.
Okay, I needed to rant about that for just a while, now I feel better.
Oh and during my break I went to go buy a drink, because smiling at people and asking them how you can help them makes you really fuckin thirsty. So I'm walking back to work, minding my own fucking business, and out of no where these three guys start walking right next to me, stare at me like I some piece of meat (this has now happened two days in a row and I am fucking irritated and the next person who does this is gonna have my high heels stuck up their ass) and one of the says, "Damn Girl, what you got there?" I felt like spilling my coke on his head and walking away, but he wasn't even worth the dollar that I spend on that. So instead I gave him the glare of death (yes, I have one of those) and told him to go fuck himself. Men are scum.
Now I'm gonna go work on my paper.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
mental filing cabinet
I am too tired to finish writing my paper that is due tomorrow, yet I am sitting here writing a blog entry...there seems to be something wrong with this picture, but oh well who the fuck cares.
I haven't written for a while, and I figured even though I don't know what the hell to think of about whats going on in my life, things will some how make more sense once I write them down.
I got off of work about two hours ago, girls who I work with live off of drama, needless to say I don't get along with most of them because I refuse to gossip about the targeted girls they don't like, heck I've probably become one of them but I'd rather have the target on my back than talk crap about people I barely know. I don't know why I like this job, I feel like I enjoy selling things to people. It's one of the talents I never realized I had, and even though some of the girls are bitchy, and I get hit on be sleezy guys, and I may be developing arthritis in my fingers from folding an endless array of panties, I like it.
I think I'm actually going to miss the friends I've made here in the past couple of months, dont get me wrong I still want to get the flying fuck out of here as soon as possible, but a little part of me will miss them. I think I may have found a place to live in January, hopefully my application gets approved, and if it doesn't I'll be pissed because I just wasted 45 dollars for processing my application. I am so excited though, I signed up for classes today...next quarter will be killer, 2 labs and 3 lectures, but have I already mentioned I'm excited.
I want January to be here, I want Christmas to come and go, I want this year to be over, because even though this year has had a couple amazing times, and the really horrible times which have allowed me to grow as a person, I am ready to wave good-bye to this year and start over.
I think It's funny how people apologize months after they have done something, I dont understand how people will ignore you for months and then expect you to forgive them. Well that happened to me today, and I forgave the person because I don't want to not like someone, too much negative energy. I want to be happy.
I find myself worrying about things I should definately not give the time of day, I've already devoted too much of my time to you and you don't deserve any more of it. So now I'm going back to being a selfish person, and focusing on me, because I'm more entertaining than you anyway.
That's about it for now I better go do something with that paper since its due tomorrow.
I haven't written for a while, and I figured even though I don't know what the hell to think of about whats going on in my life, things will some how make more sense once I write them down.
I got off of work about two hours ago, girls who I work with live off of drama, needless to say I don't get along with most of them because I refuse to gossip about the targeted girls they don't like, heck I've probably become one of them but I'd rather have the target on my back than talk crap about people I barely know. I don't know why I like this job, I feel like I enjoy selling things to people. It's one of the talents I never realized I had, and even though some of the girls are bitchy, and I get hit on be sleezy guys, and I may be developing arthritis in my fingers from folding an endless array of panties, I like it.
I think I'm actually going to miss the friends I've made here in the past couple of months, dont get me wrong I still want to get the flying fuck out of here as soon as possible, but a little part of me will miss them. I think I may have found a place to live in January, hopefully my application gets approved, and if it doesn't I'll be pissed because I just wasted 45 dollars for processing my application. I am so excited though, I signed up for classes today...next quarter will be killer, 2 labs and 3 lectures, but have I already mentioned I'm excited.
I want January to be here, I want Christmas to come and go, I want this year to be over, because even though this year has had a couple amazing times, and the really horrible times which have allowed me to grow as a person, I am ready to wave good-bye to this year and start over.
I think It's funny how people apologize months after they have done something, I dont understand how people will ignore you for months and then expect you to forgive them. Well that happened to me today, and I forgave the person because I don't want to not like someone, too much negative energy. I want to be happy.
I find myself worrying about things I should definately not give the time of day, I've already devoted too much of my time to you and you don't deserve any more of it. So now I'm going back to being a selfish person, and focusing on me, because I'm more entertaining than you anyway.
That's about it for now I better go do something with that paper since its due tomorrow.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Simple
I’m currently craving the simplicity that life has to offer.
I’m trying not to over complicate things by constantly thinking about them as I often do.
I am a thinker, as you may already know.
I’m trying to be strong,
I’m trying to smile like I do when I’m around you.
Being with you makes me happy,
Being with you makes me sad.
And when I’m with you,
My head resting on your shoulder,
I whisper three simple words into your ears,
It makes me feel euphoric.
Because no matter how fucked up we are
I know you feel the same way.
I’m trying not to get attached this time,
I’m trying to maintain my independent state of mind.
It’s difficult,
But for now it’s perfect.
I’m not ready to move any further,
Because I don’t want to be vulnerable,
I don’t want to be hurt.
I’m still afraid.
For now I just want to rest my head on your chest at night,
With your arms wrapped around me,
Your warm skin touching mine,
And fall asleep knowing that somehow,
We’ll always be there for each other.
Regardless of the roles we’ll play in each others lives,
It’ll always be as simple as that.
I’ll always be there for you,
And know you will do the same for me.
I’m trying not to over complicate things by constantly thinking about them as I often do.
I am a thinker, as you may already know.
I’m trying to be strong,
I’m trying to smile like I do when I’m around you.
Being with you makes me happy,
Being with you makes me sad.
And when I’m with you,
My head resting on your shoulder,
I whisper three simple words into your ears,
It makes me feel euphoric.
Because no matter how fucked up we are
I know you feel the same way.
I’m trying not to get attached this time,
I’m trying to maintain my independent state of mind.
It’s difficult,
But for now it’s perfect.
I’m not ready to move any further,
Because I don’t want to be vulnerable,
I don’t want to be hurt.
I’m still afraid.
For now I just want to rest my head on your chest at night,
With your arms wrapped around me,
Your warm skin touching mine,
And fall asleep knowing that somehow,
We’ll always be there for each other.
Regardless of the roles we’ll play in each others lives,
It’ll always be as simple as that.
I’ll always be there for you,
And know you will do the same for me.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Sketches...I need a scanner
These are some of the random sketches that I did at work. Mainly because I was bored.
Good-bye my dear friend
As my insides blow apart,
I hold it all together,
Fake smile,
Like everything is fine.
Look inside,
And you will find
A soulless girl, laying there
Limp, motionless,
Tears rolling down her face
She says she doesn’t care,
She claims to not give a fuck.
But in reality she’s torn apart.
Without anyone left to trust.
People in and out of her life,
At their own convenience
This can’t be healthy she thinks.
But I miss them as well.
I miss laughing all night,
I miss the comfort of knowing you were always there.
She recalls the one time she needed her best friend,
Her best friend had left her stranded,
Alone and abandoned
I missed you for while,
I still do sometimes.
Now you want back in,
But I am too dead inside to care.
I’ve spent too many tears for your absence
For the void you left behind
I wish it didn’t happen like this,
But the truth is that it did,
And all I have left to say is
“Good-bye my dear friend,
I once held you close to my heart.
There is no more room for you there,
So I think it’s the time for us to part.”
I hold it all together,
Fake smile,
Like everything is fine.
Look inside,
And you will find
A soulless girl, laying there
Limp, motionless,
Tears rolling down her face
She says she doesn’t care,
She claims to not give a fuck.
But in reality she’s torn apart.
Without anyone left to trust.
People in and out of her life,
At their own convenience
This can’t be healthy she thinks.
But I miss them as well.
I miss laughing all night,
I miss the comfort of knowing you were always there.
She recalls the one time she needed her best friend,
Her best friend had left her stranded,
Alone and abandoned
I missed you for while,
I still do sometimes.
Now you want back in,
But I am too dead inside to care.
I’ve spent too many tears for your absence
For the void you left behind
I wish it didn’t happen like this,
But the truth is that it did,
And all I have left to say is
“Good-bye my dear friend,
I once held you close to my heart.
There is no more room for you there,
So I think it’s the time for us to part.”
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I finally let it go...
Today was a very random day, for multiple reasons.
I decided I was too worn out to go work out today, so instead I had a huge bowl of ice cream, with chocolate syrup, and sprinkles...because I can.
For the past two days, whenever I get up I have this lost feeling, I almost wish I would stop dreaming because they are pointless and lately they have just been creeping me out. Some people say they wish they never remember their dreams, I wish I was one of them.
While I was studying, my dad walked into my room and flopped onto my bed, this alone was weird enough because my dad never really comes into my room. He just laid there and eventually I broke the silence and asked him if everything was alright? He looked at me with this sad look in his eyes, I noticed that how much he had aged in the past year from his gray hair to the wrinkles on his face. He simply stated that he was lonely, which caught me completely off guard because loneliness is an emotion I didn't even know my dad could experience. For the first time in 6 months I wanted to give my dad a hug because I loved him, we've had a pretty rocky relationship lately but before that I had always been my dad's little girl. He's changed, he's no longer as strong as he used to be, he's starting to become that cute little old man which is weird to me. At that very moment I realized that my dad doesn't have the group of friends he's had his whole life in India , he was very social, he gave all that up for us (me and my brother) and although he has had unrealistic expectations that I refuse to live up to, I still love him.
So today for the first time in months I hugged my dad because I felt like it, I got a little teary eyed, and although neither of us said it, I think we both realized that no matter what happens in the coming years, we will always love each other no matter what.
I decided I was too worn out to go work out today, so instead I had a huge bowl of ice cream, with chocolate syrup, and sprinkles...because I can.
For the past two days, whenever I get up I have this lost feeling, I almost wish I would stop dreaming because they are pointless and lately they have just been creeping me out. Some people say they wish they never remember their dreams, I wish I was one of them.
While I was studying, my dad walked into my room and flopped onto my bed, this alone was weird enough because my dad never really comes into my room. He just laid there and eventually I broke the silence and asked him if everything was alright? He looked at me with this sad look in his eyes, I noticed that how much he had aged in the past year from his gray hair to the wrinkles on his face. He simply stated that he was lonely, which caught me completely off guard because loneliness is an emotion I didn't even know my dad could experience. For the first time in 6 months I wanted to give my dad a hug because I loved him, we've had a pretty rocky relationship lately but before that I had always been my dad's little girl. He's changed, he's no longer as strong as he used to be, he's starting to become that cute little old man which is weird to me. At that very moment I realized that my dad doesn't have the group of friends he's had his whole life in India , he was very social, he gave all that up for us (me and my brother) and although he has had unrealistic expectations that I refuse to live up to, I still love him.
So today for the first time in months I hugged my dad because I felt like it, I got a little teary eyed, and although neither of us said it, I think we both realized that no matter what happens in the coming years, we will always love each other no matter what.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Random encounter with a stranger...
So I met this guy today, when I decided to skip geology and go have coffee with a friend. He was very intriguing, we argued for 3 hours straight, not angry arguing. He made me feel somewhat nervous, mainly because of how blunt he was, it was kind of refreshing to meet someone who just spits out whatever is on their mind. And though I still don't know much about this guy, he made me realize a lot of things about myself unintentionally.
Funny how sometimes strangers help us realize more about ourselves than our family or best friends ever can.
I like meeting new people. The end.
Funny how sometimes strangers help us realize more about ourselves than our family or best friends ever can.
I like meeting new people. The end.
The Boredom of Art History overwhelms me...
I'm sitting in class, listening to my Art History prof. ramble on about Roman art something about Apotheosis or some shit like that, and I wish I was drugged up right now so that I could more efficiently tune him out. I don't even know why I bother coming to this class, perhaps its because it is my time to catch up on my internet surfing.
I read this piece of writing written by Søren Kierkegaard, some Danish philosopher from the 1800s and it made no sense to me and left me beyond confused, perhaps because he kept on referring to Abraham and Issac from the Bible and I have yet to read the bible, so i was left cross eyed and wanting to shoot myself after reading 10 pages of this article, its called Fear and Trembelling, just incase you're interested.
I have yet to find a holiday job, I really want one. I have yet to get an iPhone, I really want one. see a connection there? hehe
I feel like everyone around me is sick, hopefully I don't get sick because that would suck ballsacs.
This is a random blog, but oh well I fucking bored, maybe I'll pay attention now.
I read this piece of writing written by Søren Kierkegaard, some Danish philosopher from the 1800s and it made no sense to me and left me beyond confused, perhaps because he kept on referring to Abraham and Issac from the Bible and I have yet to read the bible, so i was left cross eyed and wanting to shoot myself after reading 10 pages of this article, its called Fear and Trembelling, just incase you're interested.
I have yet to find a holiday job, I really want one. I have yet to get an iPhone, I really want one. see a connection there? hehe
I feel like everyone around me is sick, hopefully I don't get sick because that would suck ballsacs.
This is a random blog, but oh well I fucking bored, maybe I'll pay attention now.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Anxious
So procrastination has finally struck me for the first time this year, not bad if you ask me (2 whole months of being on top of school work has worn me out). So now I'm sitting here staring at my blank take home exam, what's the point of these anyways? Does the Prof. not realize that you're going to google all the shit on there anyway or does he just not care. School seems to bore me right now, especially because I don't have any tests for a while.
I have this anxious feeling that is taking over me.
My heart is pounding louder than it should be, my mind is racing.
Weird part, I have no idea why.
I have no desire to do anything right now, not even sleep.
I'm very content with sitting up in my bed and staring at the Van Gough posters on my wall.
Sometimes, I stare out my window at night. I have no idea why I do, perhaps to remind me of one of the most vivid memory that has left a scar on my broken heart.
Sometimes I wonder if I could change things in the past would I have still done it? would I have come back? and the answer is yes, no matter how fucked up I am right now, and no matter how much I dont recognize the person in the mirror in front of me, I wouldn't change anything.
I need some liquor right now, enough to make me pass out and to stop the random thoughts from racing through my mind right now. I'm so sick and tired of thinking.
I took a lot of pictures this weekend, one of my personal favorites was a chick staring up at this rock she was about to climb, it seemed very motivational...i'll put it up sometime. The reason why I liked it, I desire to be that motivated about something, I want to be able to feel like Fuck yea I can do this! I almost felt like I should be that person staring up at this massive cliff that is supposed to represtent all the things that I have to overcome in the futre. But right now I'm fresh out of motivation, I need to let certain things out of my mind which I'm not ready to let out yet. I know nothing is going to be better until I do. But I'm afraid. Of what you may wonder? I have no idea, it's not like I have anything else to loose.
I'm stubborn, I'm unable to open up, I'm not me.
I have this anxious feeling that is taking over me.
My heart is pounding louder than it should be, my mind is racing.
Weird part, I have no idea why.
I have no desire to do anything right now, not even sleep.
I'm very content with sitting up in my bed and staring at the Van Gough posters on my wall.
Sometimes, I stare out my window at night. I have no idea why I do, perhaps to remind me of one of the most vivid memory that has left a scar on my broken heart.
Sometimes I wonder if I could change things in the past would I have still done it? would I have come back? and the answer is yes, no matter how fucked up I am right now, and no matter how much I dont recognize the person in the mirror in front of me, I wouldn't change anything.
I need some liquor right now, enough to make me pass out and to stop the random thoughts from racing through my mind right now. I'm so sick and tired of thinking.
I took a lot of pictures this weekend, one of my personal favorites was a chick staring up at this rock she was about to climb, it seemed very motivational...i'll put it up sometime. The reason why I liked it, I desire to be that motivated about something, I want to be able to feel like Fuck yea I can do this! I almost felt like I should be that person staring up at this massive cliff that is supposed to represtent all the things that I have to overcome in the futre. But right now I'm fresh out of motivation, I need to let certain things out of my mind which I'm not ready to let out yet. I know nothing is going to be better until I do. But I'm afraid. Of what you may wonder? I have no idea, it's not like I have anything else to loose.
I'm stubborn, I'm unable to open up, I'm not me.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Expectations
So I got my camera today, and I was stoked! I didn't get to explore too much with it because I had a lot of reading to catch up on due to the freakish amounts of tests I had this week, but Im going exploring this weekend and hope to put my camera to good use.
So today I was watching Grey's after I got back from the gym (my new healthy addiction) and Lizzie said something that struck a cord, she said something along the lines of we shouldn't blame ourselves for everything, and we shouldn't expect anything from other people because when we start to expect things from other people we are just building ourselves up for disappointment. I know everyone has heard this before, but it was the first time it actually held some sort of personal meaning to me.
Why do we expect things from others? Is it because we start to trust and care about the person? If we had no expectations from others we wouldn't depend on others therefore be entirely selfsufficient, but is that even possible? Doesn't everybody crave somesort of human contact at some point or another, even if it is something as simple as a one night stand, we expect that person to not tell anyone if that is what we want, or to tell you if they have some sort of STD prior to sex so that you don't become effected, isn't that the right thing to do? Therefore, it is really even possible to not have any sort of expectations from anyone?
Perhaps this is the brutal part of growing up when you learn who to trust and who to avoid, which isn't as simple as it seems especially if you're someone like me who trusts people very easily. I mean it's not like they are wearing a sign around their neck that says "Don't trust me, I will screw you over." I guess I'm an optamist when it comes to meeting new peopel I like to believe that there are still some good people out there and I refuse to have a negative attitude about our society, no matter how fucked up it is, and no matter how many times I've been cheated by it.
I will go on expecting the best from people, and in some cases I probably am setting myself for disappointment, but you know what the good comes with the bad. We have to learn how do deal with every situation, and every fucked up person we meet in our life, because in some twisted cynic way it is makes us stronger. Maybe I'm just expecting too much or being immature, but I don't think I can handle having a negative attitiude anymore, it's hard to be mad, disappointed, and hateful towards the world, and I'm exhauseted. Besides who said that in order to grow up you must have a "realistic" perpective on things, sometimes reality is over rated, and it's okay to be just a be optimistic and expect the best in people.
So today I was watching Grey's after I got back from the gym (my new healthy addiction) and Lizzie said something that struck a cord, she said something along the lines of we shouldn't blame ourselves for everything, and we shouldn't expect anything from other people because when we start to expect things from other people we are just building ourselves up for disappointment. I know everyone has heard this before, but it was the first time it actually held some sort of personal meaning to me.
Why do we expect things from others? Is it because we start to trust and care about the person? If we had no expectations from others we wouldn't depend on others therefore be entirely selfsufficient, but is that even possible? Doesn't everybody crave somesort of human contact at some point or another, even if it is something as simple as a one night stand, we expect that person to not tell anyone if that is what we want, or to tell you if they have some sort of STD prior to sex so that you don't become effected, isn't that the right thing to do? Therefore, it is really even possible to not have any sort of expectations from anyone?
Perhaps this is the brutal part of growing up when you learn who to trust and who to avoid, which isn't as simple as it seems especially if you're someone like me who trusts people very easily. I mean it's not like they are wearing a sign around their neck that says "Don't trust me, I will screw you over." I guess I'm an optamist when it comes to meeting new peopel I like to believe that there are still some good people out there and I refuse to have a negative attitude about our society, no matter how fucked up it is, and no matter how many times I've been cheated by it.
I will go on expecting the best from people, and in some cases I probably am setting myself for disappointment, but you know what the good comes with the bad. We have to learn how do deal with every situation, and every fucked up person we meet in our life, because in some twisted cynic way it is makes us stronger. Maybe I'm just expecting too much or being immature, but I don't think I can handle having a negative attitiude anymore, it's hard to be mad, disappointed, and hateful towards the world, and I'm exhauseted. Besides who said that in order to grow up you must have a "realistic" perpective on things, sometimes reality is over rated, and it's okay to be just a be optimistic and expect the best in people.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Sometimes I doodle, Sometimes I write. I'm not that great at it, but I do it anyway because it makes me happy and because I don't want my brain to blow up, from thinking too much. Basically it's an outlet, and usually I throw it away once I'm done or never show it to anyone because its a personal thing for me. But I think I'm going to start to hold onto my random drawings they might be kind of fun to look back at someday.
p.s. yes it's on a post-it note :D
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
nosce te ipsum
A friend of mine told me to start a blog, and I laughed it off saying what would I write in it and why would I put my thoughts out there for strangers to read?
I thought about it and I realized that I was afraid. Afraid to open up, something I've been struggling with lately. Afraid of what people might think of me. And to top it off I don't possess the crafty skills of composing beautiful pieces of writing.
But at the end of the conversation, I decided what the hell, why not? It's not like anyone is ever going to read this, and if they do then they are entitled to their own opinion. Besides maybe this will be good for me.
Lately I have been concentrating on myself, living my life to achieve the answer to a simple question who am I? This question was prompted by a latin phrase I read somewhere "nosce te ipsum" which means "know thyself," simple right? Except not.
I sit there sometimes wondering who I am? and why it is so difficult for me to answer that question. If someone asked me this question a year ago I'd say I'm a 19 year old Indian girl who is currently a student, but thats not me. I mean Im stil 19, and I'm still a student, it's just the Indian part I've been having trouble with, not that i'm not proud of my heritage. It's just I don't really know much about it, other than what my family has taught me through out the years. I get the feeling there is more to it than what my family has taught me so someday I have to go and discover the answer to that on my own. Being Indian is a part of me, but it definately in no way defines who I am.
Through the last couple of months, life has made me realize that I don't know myself anymore. I'm a stranger trapped in my own body. I'll do things or say things that are completely out of character for me, but I guess thats what life is a constant transition, a series of changes that we must go through to avoid a mundane and boring lifestyle.
Hopefully, someday I will have that comfort of knowing myself, and be able to go to sleep peacefully. I guess this is one of those things that that'll take me years to come up with the answer, if I ever can. If you know who you are, appreciate it, you're blessed with a gift that you dont know you had until it is taken away from you. And on that note I will stop my rambling.
I thought about it and I realized that I was afraid. Afraid to open up, something I've been struggling with lately. Afraid of what people might think of me. And to top it off I don't possess the crafty skills of composing beautiful pieces of writing.
But at the end of the conversation, I decided what the hell, why not? It's not like anyone is ever going to read this, and if they do then they are entitled to their own opinion. Besides maybe this will be good for me.
Lately I have been concentrating on myself, living my life to achieve the answer to a simple question who am I? This question was prompted by a latin phrase I read somewhere "nosce te ipsum" which means "know thyself," simple right? Except not.
I sit there sometimes wondering who I am? and why it is so difficult for me to answer that question. If someone asked me this question a year ago I'd say I'm a 19 year old Indian girl who is currently a student, but thats not me. I mean Im stil 19, and I'm still a student, it's just the Indian part I've been having trouble with, not that i'm not proud of my heritage. It's just I don't really know much about it, other than what my family has taught me through out the years. I get the feeling there is more to it than what my family has taught me so someday I have to go and discover the answer to that on my own. Being Indian is a part of me, but it definately in no way defines who I am.
Through the last couple of months, life has made me realize that I don't know myself anymore. I'm a stranger trapped in my own body. I'll do things or say things that are completely out of character for me, but I guess thats what life is a constant transition, a series of changes that we must go through to avoid a mundane and boring lifestyle.
Hopefully, someday I will have that comfort of knowing myself, and be able to go to sleep peacefully. I guess this is one of those things that that'll take me years to come up with the answer, if I ever can. If you know who you are, appreciate it, you're blessed with a gift that you dont know you had until it is taken away from you. And on that note I will stop my rambling.
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